Santa Baby

A look at a villain’s Christmas song

It’s December and that means that for about thirty days it is not considered weird to listen to Christmas music. This doesn’t mean that Christmas music itself isn’t weird though, it is. There are songs about anthropomorphic piles of snow, songs about flying reindeer with bioluminescent noses, and then there’s the song that is sung by a James Bond-like villain called Santa Baby.

In the song, the singer asks Santa for all kinds of lavish gifts, like jewelry and expensive cars. When you look close at these gifts, it becomes clear that we are indeed talking about an evil movie villain.

For instance, her first request is for a sable. Now, many will say that she means a fur coat made from the hide of this cute Siberian mammal. This would be villainous in and of itself, but I think she means the actual animal. To keep on her lap, stroking its little head as she explains her deadly plot to some poor secret agent who was foolish enough to wander into her lair.

The convertible is needed for the obligatory car chase. If you’re going to have a car chase, you might as well do it in style. And what better style than a 90.000 euro piece of automotive history? Similarly, the yacht is meant to serve as the clichë offshore secret base. The singer probably means something along the lines of the 2016¬†SSH Maritime 190. A bargain at half a billion euro!

Her criminal genius becomes less subtle though when she requests a platinum mine. An entire mine full of platinum. Why would anyone need that much platinum if not for use in some evil scheme to take over the planet?

But what if her evil plot is actually quite simple? Yes, she’s building a platinum-based death ray on her mega-yacht. But that’s all for the sequel. Her true plot might just be in the sheer cost of the gifts, which add up to between 500 million and 1 billion euro. Enough to severely damage Santa’s budget, causing many kids to go without a present. It looks like we need James Bond to save Christmas.

Published on: 2016, December 7
Feel free to share this article
(this article was posted under a Creative Commons license
for details see: cc-by-nc-sa)

Other articles on Trivial Discourse